10.16.2010

Happy Sweetest Day!

Yep you're seeing right, an unprecedented back-to-back blog post. I've been meaning to write about fake holidays for a while, today just reminded me.

So yeah Sweetest Day. Yep, I'm complaining about this. It's a day of reflection for me, on just how fake a holiday it is. Seriously. Are people are still buying into this? I can assure you with 100% certainty that my wife is not expecting a box of candy and a card today. We're practical people. We don't even exchange gifts on Christmas, let alone Valentine's Day, so the prospect of Sweetest Day to us is taken about as seriously as Boxing Day, Friendship Day, Ninja Day and 4/20. Let's not forget First Contact Day on April 5th. Yeah, it celebrates our first contact with the Vulcans in 2063. People really celebrate it. Apparently I'm not the biggest Star Trek fan.

While my wife and I do celebrate our wedding anniversary, I don't need a fake holiday to remind me it's time to do something nice for her. In fact, let's take a look at the origins of Sweetest Day. According to Wikipedia (which is never, EVER wrong), Sweetest Day (The "sweetest" day of the year) was created in the 1920's by candy makers to boost sales. Assuming this information is accurate (which it is, because it's from WIKIPEDIA), we see that it's by very definition a manufactured holiday. IT'S FAKE! AND, it's only celebrated in the Great Lakes region! It's so lame the rest of the country has decided not to bother with it!

Here's a list of REAL holidays in order of importance:

Christmas
My Birthday (or yours I guess)
Thanksgiving
Halloween
Easter

All others are fake. It's my blog, these facts are irrefutable.

Groundhog Day? In which we watch a marathon of the 1993 Bill Murray Film.
Valentine's Day? A celebration of the martyrdom of a bunch of people in the Middle Ages
St. Patricks Day? I think I have some Irish in me, but I'm not sure why should I still celebrate a Patron Saint of Ireland whose original associated color was blue, by wearing green.
April Fools Day is fun I'll admit, but it's not real.
Columbus Day? He didn't DISCOVER America, his boat crashed into it, and then he looked at it. Celebrate his journey, not where he stopped to take over.
Black Friday? This is where we celebrate women murdering each other in Wal-Mart.
Winter Solstice? Hooray! The Earth is still rotating!
Kwanzaa... Let's just move on.
New Years Eve? Or as I call it, "Alcohol Day".
Don't forget New Years Day, also known as "Hangover Day because you're a moron - seriously, you're in your 30's for God's sake!" I'm working on a shorter version of that one.
A lot of these holidays are just superstitious hokum, or have dubious origins.

Even the real holidays I mentioned have completely lost their original meanings. I just call them "real" because they're actual celebrations more than holidays. Even their names reflect their lost origins. Thanksgiving is now Turkey Day, and Christmas is now X-Mas.

Getting back to the point at hand, sweetest day is fake. I'm not even bothering to capitalize it anymore. Save a $20 today and walk in empty-handed. If you're spouse is practical, they'll understand. If you get the cold shoulder and stink eye, well then good luck with that relationship pal!

HAPPY SWEETEST DAY IDIOTS!

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