3.09.2012

15 reasons I hate Facebook (and you by proxy)

You probably haven't noticed it, but whenever I post on Facebook, my posts originate from Twitter. Why is that? Well, I'm gonna tell you, even though you never asked.

Why do I use Twitter instead of Facebook?

It's because every time I log in to Facebook somebody has posted something that makes me embarrassed to be a human. You might ask, "What, you're so perfect? You're better than everyone else?" Nah, I'm not perfect, but I am funnier than you. Also, I’m the one with the blog... and, since nobody else seems to be willing to, I guess I've been appointed to knock you all down a few rungs on the social ladder. Will anyone listen? Nope. This stuff will keep happening as long as Facebook exists. So then why don’t I just leave Facebook if I'm so annoyed? Morbid curiosity. What will you people post next? Facebook is a train wreck I just can't seem to look away from.

So here's a list of 15 things that annoy me on Facebook (in no particular order). Oh there are many more to be sure, but from the top of my head today, this is all I could come up with. By the way, if you happen to read one (or several) of these and think, "Hey man is he talkin' about me?" The answer is yes. Yes, I am talking directly to you. KNOCK IT OFF!

NUMBER ONE:  Bad spelling and grammar

Actual post: "to many people dont realize that lifes to short your only gonna live so long u gotta appreciate the people in youre life while u can lol"

If that sentence looks okay to you, then you should be killed this afternoon if possible. I'm not sure if this is just stupidity or our education system, but if you don't know the difference between "there", "their", and "they're", just stop reading this list now and walk right outside into traffic. People like to blame texting for bad spelling. "Oh I typed that in my phone..." or, "Hey I don't have a full keyboard..." I used to have a cell phone like that, you know, five years ago, but even back then I took the effort to spell it right anyways. Get some cash together and get a full keyboard. Plus that still doesn't explain why you don't know the difference between "two" "too" and "to". Also, if you can manage it, drag your fat lazy finger over to the period key to end of a few of those run-on sentences. You sound like a moron. Life lesson: if you learn how to type, people might take you one notch seriouser.

NUMBER TWO:  Cryptic female posts for a cause

Speaking for the men in the group (we had a meeting), we're all tired of the cryptic one-word posts by women, that are your shoe size or the color of your purse to support breast cancer (or various other causes). "Let's keep it between us girls, hee hee hee!" Yeah yeah, three seconds on Google and I'm in on your gay joke. I'm pretty sure I don't need to waste the world's time on Facebook to support your cause, I'll write a check.

Speaking of supporting causes...
NUMBER THREE: "Post this for an hour"

Stop asking me to repost something for an hour. How does it help your cause for me to support it for one hour? Is everyone gonna log on to Facebook at the same time to read my status? I mean I get the reasoning behind it, they're hoping I'll forget to delete the post, just like I forget to send in my rebate paperwork. Oh and I also love, "I know which of my friends will do it". Oh you do? Good, then maybe you'll spare me the trouble of scrolling past it next time.

Ah, you know what? I take it all back. I WILL support your cause for an hour. ALL of your causes: "Hey I'm moving today, are you available?" Sure. But only for an hour.



NUMBER FOUR: What you're eating... with pictures

I had a scrambled egg with two pieces of toast for breakfast, mixed fruit from the blender to drink, here’s what that looks like. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your excitement level right now and remember it next time you take a picture of your food and post it on Facebook. These are the same people that are always complaining about their various illnesses... Well, we've all seen what you eat... uh... maybe that's the cause?
NUMBER FIVE: Facebook "games"

As an authority on gaming, the current Facebook game craze reminds me a lot of current Hollywood movies. They appeal to the lowest common denominator. Don't know what that means? That's exactly what the developers are counting on. These games are designed to be as simple as possible and last just long enough to generate advertising and downloadable content revenue for Facebook. BUT hey... if they're good enough for you, who am I to judge? Who indeed? Well, I'm the guy who has to scroll past all of your progress updates and requests for materials for your farm, that's who.


And stop sending me requests to join you in the game, what are you a fight promoter? Hey, Don King, I'm not interested in joining your mafia! Next person to ask me for bricks is getting a real one thrown through their window. Keep it to yourself will ya?

NUMBER SIX: People who post way too many pictures

Don't misunderstand, it's fine to post pictures, I do it myself from time to time. But some people post them every ten minutes. If you're excited to be where you are, then make an ALBUM, and post it when you GET HOME. Smartphones have made it way too easy to photospam™, and now I have to scroll past fifty pictures of you and your ugly friends.
Yeah yeah, you live a more exciting and exotic life than the rest of us, couldn't give a shit. And the dumb comments after every picture: "Awesome! I'm so jealous!" Yeah, everybody please comment on my pictures, I need the ego boost to not kill myself for one more day. Oh, and SPEAKING of pictures...

NUMBER SEVEN: People taking pictures of themselves

This is big with the under 21 female crowd, but extends to the adults who haven't grown up yet... STOP IT! We all know what the back of your cell phone looks like in the mirror, and we've all got a pretty good idea of what a duck face and fake scissors look like. Are you doing like, an hourly cell phone camera test or somethin'? I don't get it.

Also folks, if you're taking a picture of something you find interesting, just SNAP THE PICTURE. Don't set up the camera on a timer, or hand it off to strike an idiotic pose next to whatever you're taking a picture of. The next time you do it, I hope your camera gets stolen, and the thief shanks you. And by the way, if you're holding a drink in every picture, get help. You're a drunk.
NUMBER EIGHT: Pictures with filters or borders

Staying on the subject of pictures, one of my not-so-favorite Facebook quirks: Posting pictures with borders, or worse with a stupid filter applied, like "Sepia Tone", or "Old Timey" or "Soft Focus". Somebody gets a smart phone and spends $1.99 in an app store and suddenly they're a professional graphic designer. The soft focus isn't making you more attractive, laying off the Quarter Pounders will do that. Folks, the 70s are over. The border around your photo with the "Polaroid Instant" filter is a novelty that wore off five minutes after it was released. Nobody can tell what your picture is because of your stupid filter, so stop wasting our time with these apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic. The next time you're adding a dumb photo border on your phone, I hope you wander onto the train tracks.
NUMBER NINE: Posting random one-line song lyrics
I don't wanna do my laundry...

Just tell us how you're feeling, or what you're trying to say with your OWN words. Stop ripping off other people's words. Nobody knows what song that is or what the hell you're talking about. I'm a busy man with a short attention span, and you're WASTING IT!

And on this subject...







NUMBER TEN: The cryptic emo update

"FML", "this is gonna suck...", "i hate this..." or "why are you doing this to me..." and then the string of comments to follow: "whats wrong?" and "wha happnd?" Stop enabling these people!! You know what? I'm not bitin' the sympathy bait. Either say something or don't, keep your brooding to yourself Bella! Yeah we're all sorry Edward left you, but enough is enough... Or, if you're trying to get the attention of a specific person, then send them a PRIVATE message. Stop airing your dirty laundry to the world; we aren't interested in the smell.

NUMBER ELEVEN:  TGIF

Keeping with this subject, I also enjoy posts that read: "Ugh... Monday." "Happy Hump Day!" or "TGIF!" Is life really that difficult? I know I'm an angry, grizzled old man, but these posts just make it sound like life has just beaten you down to an empty shell of a person. Your life in a nutshell... The morning: "Meh, breakfast..." The toilet: "Meh, poop..." In the car: "Meh, traffic..." And of course, at work: "Meh, work..." Sounds like it's time for a life change, or for you to kill yourself.


NUMBER TWELVE: People with lots of friends

You aren't really friends with 700 people, nobody is. Except maybe like, Jesus. Have you even met all of the people on your friend list?  Seriously man what is the point? 50+ friends already make me want to kill myself with a hammer. Here's the dictionary definition of friend: noun - person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. Now, here's the Facebook definition: Someone you vaguely recognize or met once and possibly attended high school with, but not in the same year, or happen to live on the same street with, and maybe you dated 15 years ago, or worked in the same building 6 years ago.

Hey, maybe give this a try: stop pressing "Add" and "Accept" so much. Resist the urge, grow a pair, and press "Ignore" for a change. Why do I care so much who your friends are? Because I'm tired of seeing the post in #13...

NUMBER THIRTEEN: "Cleaning up my Friends list"

The old classic: "I'm gonna cleanup my friends list; press Like if you wanna stay on my list!" I can assure anyone that posts this, I'm more than happy to help you cleanup your friends list. In fact, you'll be doing us both a favor. I imagine just posting this blog will be enough to shake a few friends loose...

No, not yet? Well we've still got a couple left, maybe you'll reconsider...



NUMBER FOURTEEN: Bragging about the weather

One of my most reviled posts on Facebook. People who live in warmer climates and constantly talk up the weather conditions.
Hey guys? I understand how the planet works. It's warmer where you live. That's not gonna change. You don't need to update me every couple days. Here's a challenge for the rest of you: Leave a comment for one these pretentious assholes that says: "Enjoy those hot summers." Your 100% guaranteed response every time: "I will, at the beach, HAW HAW HAW!" (or pool) Gosh, we lowly inlander folk are all so impressed that you made it out of the fiesta deck that is the Midwest and into your big boy pants and sunglasses. You're not making me jealous, you're a douche-nozzle, and I want to punch you in the dick.

NUMBER FIFTEEN: My most hated

And last but not least, the most annoying Facebook posts of all are from PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Wait...

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